Loath... no TOTALLY LOATH myself now

Ok so I totally blew it this weekend in New Orleans... I was doing great all week! I stayed right around my limit until... the saints game :( I knew I'd be tempted so I decided to alot myself 1000 calories for Sunday because I would have a ton of friends around me and a ton of drunk southern people eating and screaming and so on... I did great all day until the party that night and then.. :( Somebody brought a King Cake... I've been craving it since last year :( I love the damn things.. THANK GOD they are seasonal and only come around Mardis Gras... Still... I went over my limit for the day by a lot because of the stupid cake. I planned to make up for it on monday by majorly restricting... but adfkljdlsfjlds Monday and Tuesday my parents and I went on a college touring trip. They wanted to make it a special occasion so they took me out to dinner to meet some good friends of theirs at Mr. B's in the quarter! It was a great time! BUT the food was amazing... I had a daquiri and dessert... I TOTALLY LOST MY MIND! I was great today until tonight when I got back and town and took a look at the scale. I don't even want to admit this but I WENT TOTALLY NUTS AND BINGED ON CANES FRIED CHICKEN in sheer defeat and self-loathing. Ofcourse then i felt terrible and bought a ton of laxitives (which I hate because they totally mess your system up for about a week) and took about half a box. GREATTTTT... UGH I'm going to be so good FOR-EVER.. I feel disgusting. Normal people wouldn't feel bad to splurge when the rare occasion calls for it. NOT ME... No.. I have to go insane and start totally loathing myself and questioning if I even deserve to exist. Why am I so all or nothing? The daquiri, dessert, and king cake splurge I could have made up for in a day! Why ON EARTH did i have to go crazy and eat CANES of ALL THINGS! Happy Medians, Moderation. These are things I know nothing of! These are healthy ideas and methods. I always have to go to one end of the pedulum of the other! Extatic or in the depths of despair, Great or Horrible! There seems to be no in between seeting for me....

It doesn't help that I'm on my stupid period. American Idol was making me cry the whole time I binged... my hormones must be totally haywire or something... especially since I'm on Yaz to HELP my mood swings (and yet I still started my period not-on-time...) School is going to be really rough tomorrow because I've been obsessing over dieting and college stuff so much I've been ignoring my current homework. Not to mention the laxatives are going to keep me up all night, dehydrate me, and make me dizzy and feinty all day tomorrow.

On a side note.. I am on my highschool's varsity bowling team (lolz I know..) We have our first match tomorrow!! (I hope I have the strenth to lift the 10 lb ball...) I had to buy black pants for our uniform but ofcourse being me I totally forgot! Since I didn't get in from New Orleans till 6:30 tonight I was frantically calling friends trying to find a pair of black pants that I could borrow! Ofcourse.. the tiniest friend I call has some (she's a size 2, but she likes her clothes loose). I am NOT YET a size 2 (though I will be oneday...!!!!) She had a size four pant for some reason she let me borrow but they are SO TIGHT! It makes me feel like a whale. I shall have to wear them tommorrow regardless.... Lol so I think I'll keep the pants until I shrink enough to fit into them nicely then give them back and keep shrinking :D Good motivation tool!

I don't want to be all complainy all the time on this blog. I think too much negativity will make me even more messed up... soooo I'll try to be unlike the News and report happy things too! This weekend with my parents was really great. I realized that I have a wonderful family. Wonderful, supportive, generally happy! I wonder why I'm this way then, when I'm so lucky... Food for thought. (Regardless of the horrible binge and the horrible after-affect... I will still have wonderful memories of this weekend in new orleans.. the conversation, the college visits, everything was really exciting and special!)

Wow this was long :/

Horrible Temptation

I don't understand why food tempts me so much... it's only fuel to keep me alive. It isn't necessary to overfill your car with fuel? So why do I want to overfill myself? Why are we made so that we eat and eat and eat.. it's disgusting. I had 730 calories yesterday and 800 today. I feel awful about the 800. I don't want to go over 700. I WON'T tomorrow! I WON'T! It's so hard at lunch watching people eat fried chicken patties and french fries, pizza, all my worst cravings.. while I eat my little bit of tuna. The disgusting truth is I can eat like 10 huge men given the opportunity. I'm full with my 100 calories of tuna but I still WANT the fries... UGH..

I wonder why i hate myself so much.

I'm Scared...

Is 750 calories really all that much? I feel full if I time things right and drink a lot all day long.. something must be wrong.. Maybe I should cut it down to 600? Hmmm... I should lose weight though.. theoretically. My BMR when I'm sedentary is around 1450 (a little over)... so I'm only eating half the calories I need. I suppose I'll just lose weight slower.

I'm feeling nervous about this weekend and coming monday and tuesday... friends want to go out to eat... my parents and I are going to Nola to visit colleges and they are taking me to a nice dinner.... I'm scared.

A Goal

I have a goal to work towards.. 120-125 lbs. Yes this is going to be mainly a blog about dieting/food/skinny obsession so just leave now if the topic irks you! Sooooo I need a place to post my thoughts where someone outside of my own head might happen across them.. I'd like to get some feedback from others because half the time I can't really tell if I'm capable of recognizing reality (as far as my body goes.. lol). Right now I'm at 139 lbs. I'm 5'7 and I gain/lose weight evenly. Today was my first day in my 8 week plan to reach my goal range! Wish me luck! :)

I started a food diary today! I'm determined not to eat over 700 calories a day but I'm shooting for less!

Today's Combo -

Small Apple (50 Calories)
Tuna Fish (100 Calories)
1/4 Can Chicken Star Soup.. it was gross (70 Calories)
Coffee & 8 Gummi Bears (100)
4 Oz Chicken Shawoorma & aprx. 4 Tbsp Light Humus (300)
Miso Soup (70 Calories)
1/4 Cup Special K Cinnamon Almond Cereal (45)
Tea/Diet Dr. Pepper/Water/Crystal Light (0 Calories)

TOTAL: 735 (So a little over but not horrible for the first day and I'll do better tomorrow!)