Hmmm... Well My Life May Fall Apart Soon.. But Atleast I've Never Been Skinnier

Hellloooo everyone,

To the left is a current pic of me (at 132.4)!! I intend to improve more, but this is a new low weight for me! So I'm thrilled!

I'm at the lowest weight I've been since before I stopped growing (in 6th grade). 132.4 and shrinking. For the first time in my life I have no desire to eat what-so-ever. I believe the meds (Phentermine & Fastin) are to be thanked!

Anywhoooo.. Long time now post! I've been very pre-occupied with a lot of personal issues lately.. Depression/Anxiety/General Insanity/etc. Sooo.. I basically just completely shut down the second half of my first semester in college.. Great. I mean.. I was MIA.. and in extremely bad shape. I have a history of depression.. this episode is about as close as I've come to my worst point ever. Personally, I could have done without falling back into the blackest hole I've ever been in.. but que sera sera..

Thankfully, or unfortunately (I'm in therapy currently to help me decide which), I have let almost nobody in my life (save my shrink) in on how depressed I've been lately. Part of being as perfectionistic as I am is about not letting anyone know anything is wrong. I'm very good at this.. Thus I am attempting to salvage what's left of me and cut through the red tape of gaining academic mental health exceptions from several sources... leaving me almost unable to function I'm so anxious. Yet.. I must maintain the charade that things are fine and dandy.. so I line up tasks and complete them with manic attention, and panicked energy. Anyone viewing me would simply consider my hyper-kineticness lately as my natural tendency towards workaholicism (new word?) Thus.. my rant about my enormously unstable, intensely anxiety ridden, manic state.. shall end o_O

The good part of now: Everything in my life is going spectacularly right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend I'm nuts about (this has never happened before), my parents as always are great, my little brother is becoming more human (I don't know why.. but I won't question it), I'm growing a lot mentally (hopefully as I pull myself together, emotionally as well). I'm getting help (though I should have gotten it sooner.. it would have been much more beneficial.. its not too late.) I'm proud of asking for help. It's not in my nature.. but it's only logical that we all need help sometimes.

Have a wonderfully Merry Christmas everyone!! I wish the world the best and all of you happiness! :D

Finally... something fabulous that works... but you have to be tricky to get it o_O

Hokkayyy... So... I've abandoned the Nicotene thing because I've found something amazing that works fabulously!! And the nicotene black cherry lozenges taste bad...

Whatever, moving along. There's this prescription weight loss/appetite suppressent/optimal weight loss mode drug called Phentermine. It's normally only prescribed to patients with a BMI of 30 or over (ie obese). It's very powerful and according to the FDA only obese or overweight people should take it... fortunatly if you can find a doctor whose interpretation of overweight is how you feel about your weight, and your BMI is in the normal range still (like 21.3, like mine at the moment) you can get a prescription for this stuff for a month.

It's pricey (like $100 bucks per 30 pills) b/c you have to go to a weight loss clinic... and your insurance likely won't cover prescription weight loss meds if your weight doesn't effect your health (and they charge you more than necessary b/c the only reason they'll prescribe a normal weight person these meds if for cashhh... o_O Really kind of sketch atcually... but whatever... it works :)

Sooooo I put on a really baggy pair of sweat pants and strapped some running weights to my legs and put on a heavy sweatshirt also... this jacked my weight up enough for my BMI to be higher when they weighed me (I also told them I'm two inches shorter than I am... they didn't measure my height...).

Thus I was prescribed phentermine and now I have to force myself to eat... so I'm starving myself @ 500 cals a day + running... but I'm not at all starving... :D So fabulous..!!

I think anyone should be prescribed this drug if it is safe for them... obese people may need it more but there are other people who struggle with losing weight and body image... there's no reason to deny them this kind of help if it's not unhealthy for them... They'll likely seek out more unhealthy ways of helping themselves, like non-FDA approved supplements.. etc.

It's not a permanent fix b/c for most people it starts losing effectiveness after 6-9 weeks... but it's a good start for very overweight people.. and for someone like me who needs to lose about 18 lbs. or soooo it's perfect. I'll be done before it loses effect then I can just maintainnn... perfect for me since I don't have the patience to do this the healthy way. I'll be healthy when I get there... I'll just eat the exact right amount of calories to maintain.

This is the first thing I've tried that really works, and that I know I can keep up... and I've tried a lot of things...

*Warning... do not buy this drug online... I researched it and it seems a lot of people buy this stuff online from India or whatever... You really have no idea what you are getting when you get meds from other unregulated countries... There is no FDA over there... it could be anything. Just trick a US Doctor (or just ask if you have the right BMI)... otherwise it's not worth the risk :)

I've lost 7 lbs in the last 5 days! Huzzah for Phentermine!! Weight today: 136 lbs

Nicotine works for weightloss! Without Cigarettes...

I got very curious about this idea that smokers usually maintain leaner and lower body weights than non-smokers... So I posted my question on a few medical forums. Here's the most informative answer I got back from WebMD:

Ellen1991,

Nicotine does increase one's metabolism. It works in conjunctdion with diet to drop weight.

That is why some bodybuilders use the nicotine patch when dieting down for contest.

"Nicotine: Chemically Correct" provides a more indepth analysis of how nicotine works for weight loss.

As the article notes in the Conclusion: "Given Nicotine's pharmacology, it appears to be most useful during periods of intense dieting. By enhancing the actions of dopamine, serotonin and leptin, as well as partially inhibiting the actions of neuropeptide Y, nicotine can partially deceive the body into thinking it is fed-thereby decreasing appetite, mobilizing fat, and preserving lean body mass-even in the presence of a calorie deficit."

One of the best fat loss/weight formulas every is the
combination of Ephedrine/Caffeine/Asprin.

Larry Hobbs does medical research for Bariatric Physicians, specialist in obesity.

Years ago, Hobbs proclaimed it to the be the best
combination he's seen for weight loss.

While new weight loss medications have come along, the Ephedrine/Caffeine/Asprin combination still rates as one of the best.

With that said, no supplement alone will work without a proper diet.

Kenny Croxdale, BA, CSCS

I read elsewhere that nicotine increases your metabolism by 5-10% and decreases your appetite as well...

I think this is certainly something I will try! In combo with my diet and exercising of course! But any help is great! Bring on the patches and lozenges!! I'll keep posting about this experiment as I try it!

Binged :(

I binged today :( It was terrible.. my roomie ordered dominoes... I ATE so much.. a total of 2300 calories today. Horrible. Thankfully I only ate 300/340 Monday and Tuesday and 900 on Wed. (my boyfriend and I were celebrating his finishing writing a grant that was driving him nuts and had sushi...) I WILL ONLY EAT 300-450 calories until next wed. Then I can have 700 when I next see my bf. I should still lose atleast 1.5 lbs this week.. but UGH this sucks. Stupid stupid stupid. I knew I'd feel this way afterwards... WHY do I DO this.. So gross. :(

On the upside I seem to be getting myself together mentally to get back to working on life.. I've just been floating around in helpless limbo for the past few weeks. Back to work.. and MAJOR RESTRICTING...

Oh btw.. a side note.. I know smokers have smaller appetites.. and nicotine increases the metabolism. I would NEVER start smoking to lose weight.. the health detriments are NOT worth it.. but possibly taking small doses of nicotine after meals in the form of lozenges.. that may have some weight loss benefits? I wonder.. But then I've heard smokers gain weight once they stop smoking (personally I think this is because of their oral fixation, and needing to replace their former addiction with a distraction.. not because their metabolism slows back down alone. If they ate exactly the same amount, or less than they did while they smoked they probably would not gain.. I wonder if I should try.. or ask my doctor about this?)

Happy!!

I met my boyfriends parents this weekend!! :) I'm sooo happy even though I binged too much.. alcohol tends to make me relax enough to forget why the hell I shouldn't eat canes chicken fingers!! It was worth it though.. I really like my boyfriends rents and didn't want them to think I was strange or anything. We ended up having a blast at the LSU game and watching the saints game the next day!! :D

BUT now I'm back on track!! My moral is soooo high!! I quit taking my anti-depressants and I'm so much happier off them.. thank god! Acutane is a wonder drug!! My skin is already starting to clear up and I've only been on it for 10 days! My appetite is totally GONE!! :D The itchy lips, dry eyes, and aching muscles are a meager price to pay!! I've eaten a total of 300 calories today after unfortunatly purging after this weekend... I couldn't help it... I'm going to stick to my exact calorie plan I have layed out (in an excel chart.. yeap I'm a nerd)! I've made allowances for the inevitable and unavoidable Christmas/Thanksigiving/NewYears Binges... even a second thanksgiving since my boyfriend and I are driving to Texas to be merry and all that jazz with his family the day after actual thanksgiving!! :O Two thanksgivings... Whoa... Lol.. According to my plan I will weigh 128 or less by the day after new years!! I will make a new plan after that.. I will have to re-asses how much more weight I should lose at that point.

If anyone reads this what do you think is the perfect weight for someone who is 5'7/hourglass shaped/gains and loses weight evenly?? :) I'm just curious.. I'm thinking a BMI somewhere between 18.5 and 19.5 would be a good ultimate goal... which would put my goal weight someonewhere between 118 and 125 lbs.

Feeling Depressed

I seem to be living two lives lately.. The one where I'm at college alone and totally miserable.. too a dangerous extent. And the other where I'm with my family and boyfriend in Baton Rouge. I'm generally not all that happy there.. and they make me eat too much constantly. But atleast I have a reason to pretend I'm happy... to put on a show. There's no reason to do that here..

Diet Taco Bell?!?!... x_X

Soooo... yea... Diet taco bell... WoW...

I'm ashamed to say I take advantage of this... as I'm broke and taco bell is ridiculously cheap. Here are my low calorie finds for a dollar or under... So sad b/c they are completely unhealthy.. but make the perfect lunch/breakfast combo when I'm about to pass out between classes. Everything else is SO EXPENSIVE in my colleges food court type thingy. I sometimes get sushi or subway though.. Whatever.. here's my list:

Cinnamon twists: 170 cal
Soft Taco (with just meat/cheese/lettuce): 200
Hard Taco (with just meat/cheese/lettuce): 170
Mini Quesadilla: 190

So.. if I only get one of these.. then have oatmeal or chicken noodle soup for dinner. Not that bad of a calorie average daily and I'm not broke!

My meal plan pisses me off though.. there's no telling how many calories are in those cafeteria meals.. it's probably an astronomical level! I'm required to buy one though.. big waste of money.. I barely ever use it.. just now and then for a salad. Fail...

Accutane.. o_O

Soooo..

I'm starting Accutane next Friday and I'm a bit nervous about it.. Medicines always effect me in the weirdest ways. I've been reading up on the side effects and the dry skin/cracked lips/etc. I can handle for a few months.. unpleasant but no big deal. It may cause depression... which is not good b/c I've been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and get depressed enough on my own. I don't tolerate anti-depressents well at all so I can't use those as a safeguard... and some of the other rare side effects have me a bit freaked out (ie. Crohns disease!?!?) I'll just have to cross my fingers!

On the upside :) Everyone I know who has taken Accutane has lost a signifigant amount of weight, and totally lost their appetites. One of them lost 40 lbs and is thin as a rail now! I'm excited to see if this is true!! :D I'm also thrilled to be getting my skin clear! My acne is not totally awful but it's been fairly embarassing & detrimental to my self esteem over the years and I want to be rid of it.. So getting my skin cleared up is kinda getting me motivated about self improvement! Hopefully it'll be a big help in the battle to lose weight, even if it's just a psychological push!

Today has been fairly depressing, I've still yet to make any real friends in Hammond so this part of my week is really lonesome. I actually was excited to go running tonight this are so dull around here (normally it's an epic internal battle just to get my running shoes on!) My boyfriend is swamped with his studies & work (he's a grad student, and works in genetics) so he can't really visit during the week if he wants to be with me on weekends.. :( We are carving pumpkins and going to his company picnic Friday though!! I'm excited! Halloween should be a blast also!! :D

Classes are easy but I'm slipping into old perfectionist habits. Do everything perfectly or not at all... dangerous. I'm trying to keep myself healthy on that front! Just doing my best is all that I can do.. :/

On track with my diet, by my calculations I should be somewhere between 10-15 lbs down by Christmas.. according to my calorie defecit.. Even 10 would be lovely!

Chao :)

-Ellen

It's been a LONG time!

Hi anyone who's listening out there..

I haven't posted in a long time... In that time I've gotten way off track. I graduated from highschool and got really wrapped up in working, trying to find a boyfriend, and vacationing over the summer. Now that I'm settled into my first semester of college and have been dating the first guy I think I've ever really been head over heels for I'm settling into some sort of normalcy again! Back to work!! I've been so awfully disgusting lately.. it's horrible. But time to remedy all that! Last week I weighed in at 138.7 lbs... SO GROSS. My goal for Christmas is 129 (trying to be somewhat realistic).

I'm getting really stressed out with classes. They aren't that hard in general but I go to school in Hammond (Southeastern University) about 40 minutes away from Baton Rouge. So Monday through Thursday I live in Hammond and the rest of the week in Baton Rouge (where my boyfriend/family/friends are...) It's lonely in Hammond (because this is mostly a commuter college still and things are ABSOLUTELY DEAD in this little town... I've actually learned to knit I have so much downtime!) All this downtime is NOT good for me mentally and I'm having a tough time with the lonliness in Hammond.. I try to keep busy with art, hobbies, reading, anime, korean dramas, all that time wasting Jazz..! I'm also training for my half marathons (I've started running them here and there for excercise & fun) and yoga but it gets tiring to run alone so much.. and boring on a treadmill.. and yoga only takes up two hours a week. I'm making my boyfriend (Devin) run the next one with me! He's a 225 lb Rugby player so he's in great shape.. He's already run 5 consecutive miles in training and he just started two weeks ago!! So annoying.. that took me awhile to work up to!

Anyway today is my start day! I'm going to try and complete my Bridget Jones-esque list of things to do before this first semester of college is out!

1) Get down to atleast 129
2) Meet Devin's family and avoid totally ruining their opinion of me...
3) Make friends with some girls!
4) Make a 3.8... atleast for the first semester
5) Have some fun!
6) Knit everyone christmas presents...

I apologize to anyone who might read this for my spastic blogging style.... o_O

Ttyl..

Loath... no TOTALLY LOATH myself now

Ok so I totally blew it this weekend in New Orleans... I was doing great all week! I stayed right around my limit until... the saints game :( I knew I'd be tempted so I decided to alot myself 1000 calories for Sunday because I would have a ton of friends around me and a ton of drunk southern people eating and screaming and so on... I did great all day until the party that night and then.. :( Somebody brought a King Cake... I've been craving it since last year :( I love the damn things.. THANK GOD they are seasonal and only come around Mardis Gras... Still... I went over my limit for the day by a lot because of the stupid cake. I planned to make up for it on monday by majorly restricting... but adfkljdlsfjlds Monday and Tuesday my parents and I went on a college touring trip. They wanted to make it a special occasion so they took me out to dinner to meet some good friends of theirs at Mr. B's in the quarter! It was a great time! BUT the food was amazing... I had a daquiri and dessert... I TOTALLY LOST MY MIND! I was great today until tonight when I got back and town and took a look at the scale. I don't even want to admit this but I WENT TOTALLY NUTS AND BINGED ON CANES FRIED CHICKEN in sheer defeat and self-loathing. Ofcourse then i felt terrible and bought a ton of laxitives (which I hate because they totally mess your system up for about a week) and took about half a box. GREATTTTT... UGH I'm going to be so good FOR-EVER.. I feel disgusting. Normal people wouldn't feel bad to splurge when the rare occasion calls for it. NOT ME... No.. I have to go insane and start totally loathing myself and questioning if I even deserve to exist. Why am I so all or nothing? The daquiri, dessert, and king cake splurge I could have made up for in a day! Why ON EARTH did i have to go crazy and eat CANES of ALL THINGS! Happy Medians, Moderation. These are things I know nothing of! These are healthy ideas and methods. I always have to go to one end of the pedulum of the other! Extatic or in the depths of despair, Great or Horrible! There seems to be no in between seeting for me....

It doesn't help that I'm on my stupid period. American Idol was making me cry the whole time I binged... my hormones must be totally haywire or something... especially since I'm on Yaz to HELP my mood swings (and yet I still started my period not-on-time...) School is going to be really rough tomorrow because I've been obsessing over dieting and college stuff so much I've been ignoring my current homework. Not to mention the laxatives are going to keep me up all night, dehydrate me, and make me dizzy and feinty all day tomorrow.

On a side note.. I am on my highschool's varsity bowling team (lolz I know..) We have our first match tomorrow!! (I hope I have the strenth to lift the 10 lb ball...) I had to buy black pants for our uniform but ofcourse being me I totally forgot! Since I didn't get in from New Orleans till 6:30 tonight I was frantically calling friends trying to find a pair of black pants that I could borrow! Ofcourse.. the tiniest friend I call has some (she's a size 2, but she likes her clothes loose). I am NOT YET a size 2 (though I will be oneday...!!!!) She had a size four pant for some reason she let me borrow but they are SO TIGHT! It makes me feel like a whale. I shall have to wear them tommorrow regardless.... Lol so I think I'll keep the pants until I shrink enough to fit into them nicely then give them back and keep shrinking :D Good motivation tool!

I don't want to be all complainy all the time on this blog. I think too much negativity will make me even more messed up... soooo I'll try to be unlike the News and report happy things too! This weekend with my parents was really great. I realized that I have a wonderful family. Wonderful, supportive, generally happy! I wonder why I'm this way then, when I'm so lucky... Food for thought. (Regardless of the horrible binge and the horrible after-affect... I will still have wonderful memories of this weekend in new orleans.. the conversation, the college visits, everything was really exciting and special!)

Wow this was long :/

Horrible Temptation

I don't understand why food tempts me so much... it's only fuel to keep me alive. It isn't necessary to overfill your car with fuel? So why do I want to overfill myself? Why are we made so that we eat and eat and eat.. it's disgusting. I had 730 calories yesterday and 800 today. I feel awful about the 800. I don't want to go over 700. I WON'T tomorrow! I WON'T! It's so hard at lunch watching people eat fried chicken patties and french fries, pizza, all my worst cravings.. while I eat my little bit of tuna. The disgusting truth is I can eat like 10 huge men given the opportunity. I'm full with my 100 calories of tuna but I still WANT the fries... UGH..

I wonder why i hate myself so much.

I'm Scared...

Is 750 calories really all that much? I feel full if I time things right and drink a lot all day long.. something must be wrong.. Maybe I should cut it down to 600? Hmmm... I should lose weight though.. theoretically. My BMR when I'm sedentary is around 1450 (a little over)... so I'm only eating half the calories I need. I suppose I'll just lose weight slower.

I'm feeling nervous about this weekend and coming monday and tuesday... friends want to go out to eat... my parents and I are going to Nola to visit colleges and they are taking me to a nice dinner.... I'm scared.

A Goal

I have a goal to work towards.. 120-125 lbs. Yes this is going to be mainly a blog about dieting/food/skinny obsession so just leave now if the topic irks you! Sooooo I need a place to post my thoughts where someone outside of my own head might happen across them.. I'd like to get some feedback from others because half the time I can't really tell if I'm capable of recognizing reality (as far as my body goes.. lol). Right now I'm at 139 lbs. I'm 5'7 and I gain/lose weight evenly. Today was my first day in my 8 week plan to reach my goal range! Wish me luck! :)

I started a food diary today! I'm determined not to eat over 700 calories a day but I'm shooting for less!

Today's Combo -

Small Apple (50 Calories)
Tuna Fish (100 Calories)
1/4 Can Chicken Star Soup.. it was gross (70 Calories)
Coffee & 8 Gummi Bears (100)
4 Oz Chicken Shawoorma & aprx. 4 Tbsp Light Humus (300)
Miso Soup (70 Calories)
1/4 Cup Special K Cinnamon Almond Cereal (45)
Tea/Diet Dr. Pepper/Water/Crystal Light (0 Calories)

TOTAL: 735 (So a little over but not horrible for the first day and I'll do better tomorrow!)